HPV & Oral Cancer HD

Radiation moved out another day... :(

The radiation machine decided to go down for the entire day yesterday, April 15th. So, now my last treatment will not be until April 27th :( I suppose it is only one day. That damn machine better hold out for the next week and a half though! Don't want to delay it anymore ;) My mom is staying with me and Ian while Charles is in beautiful Monterery CA taking pictures for work. He calls about 15-20 times a day because he is so worried. Poor guy. I'm not really good at hiding it anymore either :P So I feel bad for that. I'm still just taking it day by day. Unfortunately the days all seem to be the same and just as rough but the important thing is that I am getting through it. Started having to use the Aloe Vera on my neck. It's not crazy sunburned but it is red and peeling. I am "so hot" :P My mom has started me watching The View, Dr Phil, and Oprah now :P Not good. All I need is more tv to watch ;) Although I keep picking up more and more Gordan Ramsay shows. Not sure why I find pleasure in my misery by watching food being eaten and  prepared, whether badly or really well done :P It doesn't make me more hungry or anything, surprisingly. I guess because I know I can't taste it right now so it is not even a temptation. If I put it in my mouth, it would just taste like a big piece of soggy napkin. Not very appetizing :P So i just sip my Slimfast and my water and enjoy Gordon giving all these knobheads a "what-for". And then showing them how it's done. That's my Gordon! ;)
The kind of funny part of how my treatment as affected me that is very different from my original personality is that I have no sympathy for dumb people. I honestly get so annoyed so quickly. I used to laugh at Sponge Bob (I know, I know) but that big spongy dufus irritates the piss out of me now. I feel a bit like Squidward and want to stick something sharp through both ears. I can't stand the silly crying fits of all the contestants on Biggest Loser. Seriously, you are all a bunch of liars and knew Drea was more competition. I want to claw Brent and Caite's eyes out on the Amazing Race for being stupid and thinking that it's totally cool to refer to Brandy and Carol as "The Lesbians" because they were "mean to her". Seriously Caite, karma's a bitch and she is out to get you. (at least I am crossing my fingers) Anywho, this is just a couple little tidbits of my day that I actually kind of start laughing at myself when I notice how irritated I am getting. Anyway, I assume this too shall pass. Thank goodness, being mean and nasty is really not that much fun...not really... ;)

Missing person

I know it seems to many of you that I have disappeared. I'm sorry. I know it may seem unfair. I will be back, I promise. For now, I am just not myself and I can't talk. Every inch of skin in my mouth now feels like it is peeling away: tongue, cheeks, gums, throat... It hurts to cough, laugh, burp, drink, throw-up, breathe, hiccup, cry, yawn, and sneeze. Especially sneeze...oh, that brings instant tears and then it hurts to cry so then I cry more. It's a vicious cycle.... :P So, again, I am sorry if you feel like I have disappeared. I am just sparing you ;) I'm sure my mom will be in for a big surprise coming to stay for a few days in the house of "Les Miserables". She will have Ian to keep her entertained though (when we can get him off of the XBox, that is). I need to find myself a small dry erase board so that I can communicate for the next month ;) And I was just at Target this morning :P Oh well...
I have to see the speech therapist tomorrow morning too. That should be VERY interesting. I haven't been very faithful about my exercises for swallowing...oops... And now it hurts. Hopefully I can still pass (and hopefully it is covered by insurance. I was meant to call on that and never got around to it. Now it is impossible :P) If she even shows me a graham cracker, I may just have to kill her ;)
Well, I can't wait to see my friends again soon. And I will see you again. I promise to come back healthy and laughing once again. Mwah!

2 weeks!

Two weeks left of treatment! It's not getting easier by any means but at least we are on the downward slope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. :) My neck is a little red but that is about it so far. I can blow my mouth which is utterly disgusting but part of the deal (and I may add the WORST part). Hopefully that goes away in a couple weeks and my tatsebuds come back once I am all done...fingers crossed on both hands and toes crossed :P I am losing a little more hair than normal but I still have a full head of it :) I have my bad moments of self pity and defeat but my husband has been wonderful to help bring me out (or I just go to bed :P). Ian is always good to have around and he is such a sweetheart, but we all knew this. He comes and gives me hugs and tells me he loves me all the time. He'll even tuck me in on the couch when I'm laying down. I do that a lot with the fentanyl and the new nausea meds. They make me very sleepy. Well, I can't wait to be done and we are getting there. I actually miss working a little but there is no way I could do it right now. But it will be nice to get my life back on a more "normal" track again. Charles is going out of town on Wednesday to the Sea Otter Classic in Monterey, CA so my mom is coming to stay with Ian and I. Ian also has a karate tournament on Saturday, hopefully that will not be all day. Don't think I could handle that but hoping he only has to be there a couple hours in the morning. I hear that's what they usually do with the younger ones. He is just so excited that I can't not let him go :) And it will be nice to spend time with my mom :) She is such a wonderful cook, too bad I can't taste anything :( Because that would be GREAT :) Oh well. Ian can enjoy :)

No bueno

On Tuesday, my doctor put me on Fentanyl patches for the horrible pain I have in my mouth hoping to help with me eating since I keep losing weight. The fentanyl works wonders for the pain so that is GREAT! But not sure if it is the pain med or chemo but I have not been able to keep anything down for long :( This is not helping in my "weight stability" but I am so glad to have the pain gone that I don't want to give up on the fentanyl. This is saying a lot since I HATE throwing up. I mean who really loves it??? ;) But I really hate throwing up. Lord knows that I do not want to have a feeding tube so I am still trying my best to eat. Definitely not easy. I keep torturing myself and watching Gordon Ramsay every day too. I was craving a hot dog (thanks to Survivor) but now I have turned towards lasagne (thanks to Ian watching Garfield) and now onto Shepherd's Pie (thanks to Gordon). I am going to get so chubby when this is all done and I can eat again! :P Although I do wonder what my tastebuds will come back like... if they will be the same or if things will taste differently. I am 99.9% positive that I still will hate onions though ;) hehe
Just sitting her reading this post and how interesting to go from throwing up to food...hmmmm... the shit that goes on in my mind :P
Well, love to all and I will miss my Bunco girls tonight... :( Have fun anyway ladies! I'll catch ya next month!

March 31, 2010 Halfway mark for Chemo!

My best friend, Keni, came with me to my radiation and chemo appointments last Wednesday. I was able to get her to take some photos, which she was willing since my hubby wouldn't. It was a little more than Keni bargained for as well. I don't see what others see since I am the one going through it. So what may seem like no big deal to me is actually quite a lot for my loved ones to take in. You can see the pictures below of me in my mask for radiation and then another one with the machine rotating around me. As well as a pic of Keni and I at chemo and my chemo nurse, Daren, with the large nipples ;) hehe
Keni and I got to watch "Fantastic Mr Fox" (thanks Terry!) and that show was pretty entertaining. I laughed quite a bit and also dropped my full cup of ice...AGAIN! This time it was closer to my done time so I'm improving I guess you could say :P Off to my 4th chemo tomorrow with my hubby. Getting closer....!! Can't wait to be done. I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo hungry :P

All fitted, strapped down, and ready to go

The machine rotating around me (before treatment starts)

Me and Keni

Me and Daren throwin up the peace sign ;)

Cheeky Chipmunk

Due to my radiation in my mouth, the insides of my cheeks have swollen up and now I feel and sound like a chipmunk hoarding nuts in my cheeks ;) I have a sore on the right side and I thought it was because I had bitten it in my sleep and it just wasn't healing. Believe me, that thing hurts so bad. It is the biggest reason I can't eat. Even the ensure burns it. I talked to my doctor about it on Tuesday and we figured out that the radiation beam is actually reflecting off of my metal filling in my tooth and basically burning the inside of my cheek. The sore is actually a big blister and it is a BITCH! ;) Thankfully I have dental trays made especially for my teeth and can use these to hopefully prevent the reflection of the beam now and my cheek should be healed within a week. Fingers crossed! It still hurts today but not nearly as bad so I think it's working!! And Lortab is not too shabby itself ;) hehe

Thanks Amie, Jeff, Morgan, and Jeffrey!

My SIL Amie was so sweet to go ahead and buy me everything having to do with my Cancer awareness ribbon from Choose Hope.com! I was so excited to get the package and go through it all. I already have actually put my "Survivor" pin on my jacket! And my niece, Morgan, and nephew, Jeffrey, made me motivational pictures that I have placed next to a picture that Ian drew for me as well. Thanks so much guys for the presents! I appreciate it so much! Of course, not necessary but I am very pleased :)

March 24, 2010 - 2nd Chemo Treatment

My good friend and co-worker, Carla, came with me to my second chemo treatment. She brought her portable DVD player and New Moon to watch. She also finally showed me how to play Soduku. I think I understand it now :P At least I did when she was doing it. I have yet to try it on my own...
I brought my Snuggie with me for the first time and it was GREAT! Thanks to Kathy, I was very cozy ;) It only took one stick for the IV this time, so that was good. And I wore the easy pull up and pull down pants so my 25 trips to the restroom were less of an ordeal ;) My nurse, Daren, was pretty funny. He kept us laughing the whole time I was there. He nicknamed my Snuggie, "Nuggie" which was very cute ;) My only mistake was putting the Nuggie on before the IV got hooked up so I had to wear the damn thing everytime I went to the bathroom draped over my shoulder ;) So that did make it kind of interesting but at least I didn't have a belt and zipper to deal with! I think Daren's best comment though was when he brought out the "hard stuff" (my cisplatin) usually the nurses have to wear gloves and a smock because the chemical is so potent and Daren just had on the gloves. I asked why he wasn't wearing the blue smock and he said it was because his "nipples were too large". LOL - Bless him. He is not a small boy so that was just so funny! I also discovered that they have pebble ice in the little kitchenette there so Carla got me a nice big glass full and a spoon. I was enjoying my ice and then got distracted for a second and the whole cup fell to the side of me and spilled out the side of my chair all over the floor... :P I was so embarassed because, of course, everyone turned to look. Daren just said "That's gonna cost ya" haha. It got cleaned up and I apologized profusely and was still given another glass of pebble ice. I was much more watchful of it the rest of the time ;) Carla and I had a good time together and it is always good to have someone there to pass the time with :) Thanks again Miss Carla Jay! Love ya!